Dear Eric: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for four and a half years and have a large, blended family of adult, middle-age kids. We were both divorced following long marriages a long time before starting our relationship.
His two daughters have never been warm to me and tend to ignore me when we’re together. His three stepkids from his previous relationship, on the other hand, are accepting of me and happy to be around me. All his kids are very close.
This past Mother’s Day I mentioned to my partner that I wished I could “crack the code” with his daughters. His response was, it’s as good as it’s going to get because of their past traumas with their own mother and stepmother (the stepkids’ mom) and it’s just not going to ever change.
He flies to his daughter’s home out of state three times a year, including Christmas, and there’s no room for me to stay. It’s pretty much an inviolate rule of his daughter’s that he comes there for the holiday.
He willingly pays for me to fly to see my kids for the holidays and I’m grateful, but the point is, I’d like to spend Christmas with him. Just once, I’d love him to stay here with me.
I told him that I have no desire to fly out of state to see his daughter and family if I’m not going to be treated as his partner and I’m made to feel like a third wheel. This doesn’t seem to bother my partner.
Eric, can you give me a bit of clarity that I’m missing?
– Blended and Shaken
Dear Blended: A couple threads here. First, the visits: I can see why you wouldn’t want to spend the holidays with people who ignore you (bah humbug to that), but I don’t think it’s a fair compromise to ask him to skip holidays altogether. Might it be in everyone’s best interest for him to have a talk with his daughters about being more hospitable to you? And maybe the two of you stay at a local hotel instead of their home?
He can assert his needs in his relationship with his daughters. They don’t have to embrace you, but they need to find a better way to treat you, out of love and respect for him at the very least.
Which leads to the second thread: the relationship with the daughters. While it’s fair to expect him to talk with his daughters about their disrespect, it’s also important that you hear him when he tells you that there may be too much baggage from previous relationships for them to have the kind of connection with you that you seek. There may be no code to crack here. Accepting that and readjusting your expectations may be the best path forward.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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