Q. I’ve had something on my mind as my wedding approaches this fall. My fiancé and I are both excited to start our married life together, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to navigate family expectations around the holidays—especially since this will be our first holiday season as a married couple.
Both of our families have strong traditions and very different ways of celebrating. My family does a big Thanksgiving at my parents’ house with extended relatives. We have a Christmas Eve dinner that goes late into the night. His family prefers smaller, quieter gatherings and always does Christmas morning with family, which conflicts with my family’s Christmas Day brunch tradition.
Everyone keeps asking us what “we’re” doing for the holidays, and honestly, we haven’t figured it out yet. I feel guilty about potentially disappointing anyone, but I also know we need to start creating our own traditions as a couple. My mom has already made comments about how she “assumes” we’ll be there for Thanksgiving like always.
How do we set healthy boundaries with our families while still honoring the relationships that matter to us? And how do we begin building our own traditions without feeling like we’re rejecting theirs? Any advice for navigating this transition gracefully?
– Holiday Newlywed Nerves
A. Three things to know: 1. It will be a little stressful—because it’s new. 2. You won’t be able to please everyone. (Some feelings might get hurt.) 3. It’s difficult to be graceful when you’ve never done something before.
Accept all of that and the season might go smoothly. You can always say to loved ones, “This is our first holiday season as a married couple. We’re figuring out how we want to arrange this. Bear with us as we do our best.”
A take people might not like: There is no reason why you can’t do one holiday on your own. If your husband-to-be wants to visit his family on Christmas Eve, he can do that without you. Maybe this is a longtime single person thing to say, but I’ve never understood why so many couples must spend holidays together. I have one relative who shows up to a few holidays alone, when his wife (and their kids) see her family. Those are such special moments—because I do enjoy this relative’s wife, but when you get people by themselves, they’re different. Consider that marriage doesn’t mean you have to walk in tandem to every celebration. Sometimes you get more out of a party when you go by yourself and report back later.
As for starting your own rituals, you’re young, right? It’s not about you yet (sorry). Have some fun alone on the off-nights (like Christmas Eve eve). Let your actual organic experiences dictate what traditions become meaningful. Maybe on December 26, you’ll make a great breakfast-in-bed, and that becomes the post-Christmas tradition you do for the rest of your lives. Some of this stuff is spontaneous. Let the holiday moments happen on their own.
– Meredith
READERS RESPOND
I think you both will be tired for a period of time after the wedding. There is no duty to overdo. Don’t run yourselves ragged trying to please everyone. JIVEDIVA
I had this same issue. My husband and I ended up each going to our own family’s parties separately and maybe trying to meet up at the relatives’ later if there was time. It was great, until we had a child. Now we have to go together and it meant giving up being with my family on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. PROV4
Consider yourselves lucky that you not part of a throuple or polyamorous relationship. -SOPHOMOREDROMEDARYCHARLESTOWN-
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